Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying