Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.