me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.