Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

I have so many questions.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

No, I don’t think I will.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.