Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
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titanic
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
WHY?!
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Doggies just call it style.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.