Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
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Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.