Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

the rocks need my help

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.