Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.