Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
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I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*