Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
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Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
jesus, what did this guy do
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days