Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.