Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Plans 2020

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok