Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.