Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

they see me scrollin

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,