Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
These are my roll models.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.