Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.