me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
