Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

mom gave me mine for free

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.