Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

me: my friends:

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

🙂🙃🥹

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with