Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car