me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
A double negative is a big no-no.