Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
HERE’S MARKY
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.