Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
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Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.