Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
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Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun