Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

No. He’s not coming out to play

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime