Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter