Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Brother?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce