Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
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In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?