As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.