Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.