Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

The median voter