Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

🤭😂

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon