Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

Geez man, take it easy.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Made something I’m not proud of

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

Breaking news:

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.