We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
-six beers please
You Might Also Like
I think my liver would like a body transplant.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party
Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets
5yo: What’s a cannibal?
Me: A person that eats another person.
5yo’s eyes widen in horror.
Me: You said cannonball, didn’t ya?
It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked