ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.


My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.


My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.


Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party

Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets


5yo: What’s a cannibal?
Me: A person that eats another person.
5yo’s eyes widen in horror.
Me: You said cannonball, didn’t ya?


It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?


I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.


[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him


[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked