ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Clients after you give them your rates
i- i did not expect this
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up