ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math