me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
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This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
weaknesses
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life