me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My first child will be named New Folder.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*