Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

water it, i dare you

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.