Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.