Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
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*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Bike for sale
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
me hitting on a model
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.