@ShesARealGenius

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

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@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@isabelzawtun

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

@UncleDuke1969

Will is weary of fame
Will runs away to the woods
Will dons a loincloth
Will eats bugs & berries
Will befriends a bear
Will Ferrell

@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

@LizerReal

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

@StewieTea2

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He’s doing a 3 year stretch.