Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I’m not lazy
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit