Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
incredible
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
