Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.