Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
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Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”