Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
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Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse