Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?