Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.