Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!