ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
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My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Lassie, get help!
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
what’s more important?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*