Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

Hello Twits.

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

Whoops

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby