Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

what’s the point then??

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.