ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
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“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
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Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
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