Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.