Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
(True)
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you