Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*