Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.