Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

I got soap in my shower beer again.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

You deplete me

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.