Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.