Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
subtitles are so good nowadays
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
This could be us, but you weedin’.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.