Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.