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@better_off_dad: Me: 'I miss you.'
The Point: 'No shit.'
@ArielDumas: Cat: What are you doing?
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
@rdm_guy: If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Him: You're afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
@Book_Krazy: *Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I've never been to the rainforest. I'm really excited!
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
@jewfacekilla: Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.