Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
is this a warning or an offer?
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.