Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix