Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

fair

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.