Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)