Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.