Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
no such thing as a dumb question
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
me, after any kind of buffet.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared