Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….