Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!