Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
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Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!