Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
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Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
2022 be like
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.