Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.