Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

sleeping beauty

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

we’re dead?

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.