Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Bringing back this classic

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Well, that didn’t work.

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end