Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
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GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do