Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO