Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Eat…
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine