Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Breaking news:

operators are standing by to ignore your call

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

No. He’s not coming out to play

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?