Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed